By the Rev. Christian McShaffrey 

Children are a sweet heritage from the Lord¹ and ought to be present with their parents during services of public worship.² As true members of the church visible, they should be warmly welcomed by all in the congregation³ and even directly addressed from the pulpit on occasion.⁴

Teaching children to be a blessing to others while at church can be difficult because all children are born with a sinful nature.⁵ Foolishness is bound up in their precious little hearts.⁶ Training this out of them is possible, however, and the Lord actually commands parents to do it.⁷ There are two essential elements to effective child training in a church context: clear expectations and consistent enforcement.

Clear Expectations

Parents, do not assume that your children understand your expectations for behavior. The whole world is new to them when they are young. You will, therefore, need to explain, and maybe even demonstrate to them, exactly what you expect to see in their attitudes and actions.

The most basic expectation for attending services of public worship should be, “Sit quietly and try to pay attention.” This, by the way, is incredibly difficult for children, so you will definitely need to practice it at home.⁸

Our family even called these practice sessions “church” so they would make a consistent mental connection. Start with ten minutes of Bible reading, then add hymn, then add prayer. It not only provides good practice, but it will significantly deepen your family’s piety.

Once a child understands your specific expectations for good Sunday morning behavior, the next element of training must be applied: consistent enforcement.

Consistent Enforcement

Applying only occasional enforcement undermines everything previously accomplished. A swift and appropriate punishment must be issued each and every time an expectation is not met satisfactorily.⁹

At the same time, it is important that the training process does not appear or feel as entirely negative. It must not be.

You can positively assist a child to sit peaceably in the pew by preparing something quiet for them to do when restless feelings begin. Bible story coloring books, for example, can be a convenient tool when it comes to keeping children quietly occupied during worship.

Equally effective in the positive encouragement of good behavior is the promise of rewards. If your child knows, for example, that there will be an ice-cream treat waiting at home, he will be far more likely to meet your expectations while at church. The consistent granting of modest rewards is a very powerful tool of discipleship.

At the same time, even the best-trained children will still misbehave. That should be expected, but it should also be addressed with all immediacy. Remember, most children have a very short attention span, so undue delays in punishment may leave them nothing but confused, wondering, “But what did I do?” That is neither just nor productive. Infractions require an immediate and appropriate response.

In addition to timeliness, punishments should also be efficient. That essentially means quick and painful. Many moms, for example, have mastered the subtle-but-effective pinch to the back arm technique. If using an implement¹⁰ is preferred, you might want to set it on the pew at the beginning of worship as a visual reminder of your personal commitment to consistency.

The goal of timely and efficient correction is simple: interrupting bad behavior and encouraging good behavior. When consistently applied, the average child will eventually amend his behavior to avoid punishments and earn rewards. This kind of consistent discipline benefits the child, the parents, and even the entire congregation by ensuring that times of worship remain orderly and edifying to all.¹¹

Applying These Principles

When it comes to applying these principles in a local church, there should, first of all, be designated spaces for child training sessions to occur during scheduled services. Our church, for example, has designated the kitchen, the library, and a nursing room inside the women’s lavatory. Parents, obviously, should close the door before a training session begins.

There should be nothing “fun” in training rooms because if you incentivize time spent outside of worship, children will simply misbehave more. Try to think of it from a child’s simple perspective, “Sit quietly in the pew or play with the toys in the nursery?” The choice is obvious.

These rooms should have a speaker system or wireless monitor that allows parents to continue listening to the service. Remember, the goal of all this training is to teach children to worship, so let that be what you do while outside the auditorium. Bring a hymnal and tell your child, “We can worship in here, or out there, but we will be worshiping God.”

By the way, never feel embarrassed if you need to come in and out of the worship service multiple times. This is the present training ground and every parent in the church has experienced this season of life. Yes, it is tough, but it is also temporary. Persevere.

Speaking of other parents, you should also avail yourself of the knowledge and experience of those older than yourself. It is, in fact, a God-given responsibility for older women to teach younger women how to manage and serve well in their families.¹²

No one has mastered the task of child rearing, so there is both safety and good hope of success to be found in a multitude of counselors.¹³ This perspective also serves as a helpful reminder that worship is not about me as an individual, but us as the gathered Body of Christ.

The Whole Church

While child training is primarily the parents’ responsibility, God calls every member of the church to do his or her part in the ministry of mutual edification.¹⁴ That means no single member can mentally “check out” during worship and ignore the needs of others.

This temptation is especially common for those who are retired or elderly. They might sit as far away from the children as possible so as not to be “disturbed” during worship. Worse, when they are disturbed, they might register their disapproval with a stern backward glance. This does not help, it only hurts. The parents are already embarrassed, so why make them feel even worse?

If you do notice a family that is struggling and feel compelled to say something, let it be, “Is there anything I can do to help you during the service?” Let brotherly – and motherly – love continue.¹⁵

A Shared Standard

Every family will naturally develop different standards for public etiquette, so we should expect and allow for an appropriate amount of diversity. At the same time, it is advisable that a shared set of expectations be adopted by a majority of parents in any particular church. That way, they can assist one another more effectively.

For example, when a child hears, “No running” from three different adults, he will quickly realize that everyone in the room is on his parents’ side. This validates and enforces your individual parental authority, so take some time to discuss shared expectations with the other parents of the church. It is also important to grant permission to other adults when it comes to correcting your children.

With all these things in view, and in order to foster this kind of atmosphere in our local congregation, we would invite the parents to consider some very specific suggestions for training God’s children to be a blessing (i.e., to behave) on Sunday mornings.

Specific Suggestions

Bathrooms — Children are smart enough to know that saying, “I have to go potty…” will get them out of church for a few minutes, so arrive at church ten minutes early and tell them to go before the service begins.

Crying — Every child does it and there is no way to prevent it, so please do not be embarrassed. Try to settle soft whimperings in the pew, but leave the room when the screaming starts. Close the door, soothe the need, or insist that the tantrum stop.

Gazing — This bad habit is deceptively cute. Whose heart is not warmed when a toddler peeks over the pew with that precious little smile? As adorable as it may seem, it is actually rude in that it interrupts the worshipful attention of others. Do not play the game. Point the child’s attention back to the pulpit.

Participation — The more children feel “part” of worship, the more engaged they will be. Show them how to fold their hands in prayer, ask them to find the next song, have them follow your finger as you sing the lyrics, and let them place the offering in the box. 

Running — Yes, children do need to “blow off steam” after sitting still and quiet for an hour, but this should always be done outside. Running inside a building is generally disrespectful and can even be dangerous for elderly members.

Respect — The church is the household of God¹⁶ and some sections of it are afforded greater reverence. The pulpit, communion table, and baptismal are obviously off limits. The organ and piano have also been set apart for sacred use.

Correction — Every adult in church is entitled, even required, to assist other parents as they train their children. That means they should promptly interrupt bad behavior as they see it and, if the behavior remains uncorrected, they escort the child to his parent and report it.

Conclusion

These specific suggestions did not come off the top of my head. I have been the Pastor of a single church for over twenty years. In this church, I trained six children of my own and have assisted at least two generations of other families. I have personally seen how adopting shared standards can foster an orderly and edifying environment.

Again, and finally, shared expectations are not intended to infringe upon anyone’s personal liberty of conscience, but only to honor and even increase the authority and agency of parents. Shared expectations allow for a greater consistency, and shared responsibility, as we together enjoy the great and holy privilege of shepherding Christ’s little lambs.